Sunday, August 17, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Ah-ha
Soo... It's mid-2008. How time flies. Upon completing one more semester at uni, I think I just had an epiphany/disappointment, depending on how you look at it.
About the epiphany, HAH... uni doesn't prepare you for real life. I repeat DOES NOT prepare you for real life. When I think of all the fees that I have paid so far, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Usually, it's a mixture of both plus the usual ache when you have to spend money when you don't really want to. I could have bought my own yacht by now. A YACHT! So, here's an interesting conversation that went down:
Me: Uni's a waste of money. I don't freaking believe it prepares us at all for real life. I mean what happens next? We get a job? Then that's it? What's all the hype about then?huh? HUH? I could have bought a freaking yacht by now.
Friend: umm.. well... we go to uni so we can get a degree which gets us a job which pays for stuff. it's called a degree. Why would you want a yacht anyway? You don't even sail.
Me: That's not the point.
Friend: But seriously. A yacht?
Me: What's wrong with a yacht? *glares*
Friend: The yacht doesn't do anything. You wouldn't know what to do with it.
Me: It's not supposed to do anything. It's just supposed to be there. As opposed to wasting all
my time here, learning nothing and PAYING for it. I could own something. Like a yacht.
Friend: It doesn't make sense.
Me: It's not supposed to. I'm speaking 'metaphorically' ok. fine. how about a house? wait... no,
travel. I could have travelled. gahhhh.... just let me HAVE MY YACHT...
Friend: ok, fine, but I'm just saying...uni does get you a job
Me: I don't want a job. I want a freaking yacht.
And I still haven't reached a conclusion what kind of role uni plays in my life. It takes up alot of it at the moment, that's about as much as I know. And omg... is it stressful. Like "omg I hate my major but it's too late to change" stressful :'(
Now speaking of disappointments, when I think of all the money I paid. Especially that example they constantly throw at us about how each lecture costs approximately $15, and I sit there staring at my advanced microeconomics lecturer, and the $30 I paid to be there, and I can promise you that nothing has ever felt more painful, because for the accumulated $585 that I paid for the lectures ALONE. I got absolutely nothing. Except crap notes, no coursebook and a whole lot of confusion. AND ABSOLUTELY NO LINK TO REAL LIFE! THIS DOESN'T APPLY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
All that money.... *sobs* :'(
About the epiphany, HAH... uni doesn't prepare you for real life. I repeat DOES NOT prepare you for real life. When I think of all the fees that I have paid so far, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Usually, it's a mixture of both plus the usual ache when you have to spend money when you don't really want to. I could have bought my own yacht by now. A YACHT! So, here's an interesting conversation that went down:
Me: Uni's a waste of money. I don't freaking believe it prepares us at all for real life. I mean what happens next? We get a job? Then that's it? What's all the hype about then?huh? HUH? I could have bought a freaking yacht by now.
Friend: umm.. well... we go to uni so we can get a degree which gets us a job which pays for stuff. it's called a degree. Why would you want a yacht anyway? You don't even sail.
Me: That's not the point.
Friend: But seriously. A yacht?
Me: What's wrong with a yacht? *glares*
Friend: The yacht doesn't do anything. You wouldn't know what to do with it.
Me: It's not supposed to do anything. It's just supposed to be there. As opposed to wasting all
my time here, learning nothing and PAYING for it. I could own something. Like a yacht.
Friend: It doesn't make sense.
Me: It's not supposed to. I'm speaking 'metaphorically' ok. fine. how about a house? wait... no,
travel. I could have travelled. gahhhh.... just let me HAVE MY YACHT...
Friend: ok, fine, but I'm just saying...uni does get you a job
Me: I don't want a job. I want a freaking yacht.
And I still haven't reached a conclusion what kind of role uni plays in my life. It takes up alot of it at the moment, that's about as much as I know. And omg... is it stressful. Like "omg I hate my major but it's too late to change" stressful :'(
Now speaking of disappointments, when I think of all the money I paid. Especially that example they constantly throw at us about how each lecture costs approximately $15, and I sit there staring at my advanced microeconomics lecturer, and the $30 I paid to be there, and I can promise you that nothing has ever felt more painful, because for the accumulated $585 that I paid for the lectures ALONE. I got absolutely nothing. Except crap notes, no coursebook and a whole lot of confusion. AND ABSOLUTELY NO LINK TO REAL LIFE! THIS DOESN'T APPLY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
All that money.... *sobs* :'(
Friday, February 08, 2008
Hong Kong Trip Dec 2007
Hong Kong Trip - Dec 24-26
Upon arriving in Hong Kong, it was around 7am-ish...I was totally wiped out from the 10 hour plus flight and was knocked out by the time the bus took us to our hotel.
The view from the Regal Kowloon, where we stayed.
They really should clean the windows sometime soon
After 20 mins to freshen up, it was time to hit the shopping malls. And shop we did. The sales people were like: "You mean you just flew in??? and now you're shopping?"
Heck, we only had 3 days in HK, I was intent on buying everything in sight :P
After being deprived of liberal spending for a year in Auckland, this was indeed
RETAIL THERAPY
When we FINALLY emerged from the shops, it was night and dark:
The billboards in Hong Kong City
Christmas lights and Decorations at The Peninsula
Stopping for a night time pic in the streets of HK
As it was CHRISTMAS EVE, there was obviously the mandatory countdown to CHRISTMAS. Cool, if you like crowds, but coming from Auckland, where big crowds are a rarity, it was nerve wracking O.o
Look at the amount of people behind!!!
The next day, we made our way up to The Peak
More Christmas decorations (snow globes were real cute)
The view from The Peak
I love how the skyline is made up by mostly tall buildings and everything being clustered together, definitely a change from what I'm used to and similar to what I grew up with, i.e. KL
What can I say? Will always be a KL girl at heart...
Posing with my sis
Was really funny, because, whilst we took this pic, this guy was standing there advertising his photography skills, he insisted that everyone should have a pic taken professionally.
LOL his ultimate selling phrase:
1. "I take picture, you no like, never mind, no need pay"
2. (whilst waiting to take the picture) "ex-a-cuse me, sir, fi-a-ve minutes" *he was attempting to shoo away a tourist who obliviously ignored him and continued shooting pics of the view*
3. (whilst taking the picture) *singing voice* "see my lens, oh, see my lens (high pitched voice)"
We did cave in and spent HK$100 on a photo... lol a FAMILY POTRAIT as my sis puts it...
AND you could even photoshop it so the background was of the city at night and only for an additional HK$50! (we didn't do that, heck I realised that I could have just stood at the studio and still have the same pic of us at the Peak...)
ANYWAYS...
ON TO THE WAX MUSEUM :p
ALOT, ALOT of cam-whoring with wax figures...
Leon Lai
"and when I'm president..."
This is probably the closest I will ever get to Jay in this lifetime, sadly enough...
"Her ROYAL Highness"
Nelson Mandela
Mahatma Gandhi :O
cool potrait
Winter Sonata dude...*cant seem to rotate the photo* but he's def real, he looks sooo real :P
Playing some golf with Tiger Woods
Hanging out with the Jolie-Pitts... lol I felt so short, surprised that the museum would have jolie and pitt AND put them together... wow... now that's keeping up with the news!
Now.... I REALLY felt short... no no.. wait, I mean FUN SIZED...
After mucking around the museum, we got really hungry, soo...
High tea at Haagen Daz, the ice cream was sooo good, eventhough we had to line up and wait for an hourFINALLY,
a ferry ride, it cost like less than NZ$2!!!! AND it was 'first class' too... now that's public transport! Freaking ferry in NZ costs $7 ONE WAY...
Monday, February 04, 2008
I almost FORGOT
God Forbid that I was too wrapped up in my work. I totally and utterly forgot that Chinese New Year was just like, get this, 2 DAYS away. Yes. not months or weeks, but DAYS. I cannot believe it.
Now, this is the first year ever that I totally was not prepared for Chinese New Year. I was just all, yay, Waitangi Day, which is, just about, THE most important day in NZ history. EVERYTHING revolves around it. Well, I think it's the 2nd most revolved around thing, after RUGBY... Which doesn't say alot. But still. My point is: PUBLIC HOLIDAY, duh.
Now, on to the greater, better news, Waitangi Day is on the 6th... yes, Chinese New Year starts on the 7th :O I totally neglected to acknowledge this fact >< I know now and I am still dazed. I can't believe it came so fast. I am so not prepared. I am so not ready for a new year... WTH...
oK. so I got a bit.. ok ALOT immersed in my new venture, which I am still freaking out over. Deadline is looming ><... ok, stop. breathe. Focus.
Chinese New Year is so important. It's tradition. It's ingrained. It has always been a BIG DEAL. and I mean BIG DEAL in our family. Thing is, this is also the FIRST EVER Chinese New Year where both my paternal grandparents will not be around to celebrate it with us. Because they are no longer here. I can't deal with that. Maybe that's why I totally blocked out the fact that this festival was coming. When they died, I guess the part of me that associated with family reunions and celebrations just died too. Because, the inclination to celebrate this year, is well, zero. Because now to me, it just seems like another year. One more year of our lives. Nothing new there. Years come and go all the time. Depressing much? Truth is, my grandparents seemed to hold the family together. All 15 cousins, and Aunts and uncles. now that the constant is gone, where is our common ground? We all took it too much for granted. It's safe to say that there will be no reunion dinner this time around.
I suppose that is how life is like, most of the time. We take it for granted, the people, the years, the whole 'assuming that every year, it'll be the same', taking comfort in routine, then suddenly, when something happens to throw it out of sync, we just can't deal. And then it truly becomes nothing more, because we took it too much for granted, up until the point of indifference. And it never again becomes truly important enough to go back to find it. We have, well and truly lost it.
Now, this is the first year ever that I totally was not prepared for Chinese New Year. I was just all, yay, Waitangi Day, which is, just about, THE most important day in NZ history. EVERYTHING revolves around it. Well, I think it's the 2nd most revolved around thing, after RUGBY... Which doesn't say alot. But still. My point is: PUBLIC HOLIDAY, duh.
Now, on to the greater, better news, Waitangi Day is on the 6th... yes, Chinese New Year starts on the 7th :O I totally neglected to acknowledge this fact >< I know now and I am still dazed. I can't believe it came so fast. I am so not prepared. I am so not ready for a new year... WTH...
oK. so I got a bit.. ok ALOT immersed in my new venture, which I am still freaking out over. Deadline is looming ><... ok, stop. breathe. Focus.
Chinese New Year is so important. It's tradition. It's ingrained. It has always been a BIG DEAL. and I mean BIG DEAL in our family. Thing is, this is also the FIRST EVER Chinese New Year where both my paternal grandparents will not be around to celebrate it with us. Because they are no longer here. I can't deal with that. Maybe that's why I totally blocked out the fact that this festival was coming. When they died, I guess the part of me that associated with family reunions and celebrations just died too. Because, the inclination to celebrate this year, is well, zero. Because now to me, it just seems like another year. One more year of our lives. Nothing new there. Years come and go all the time. Depressing much? Truth is, my grandparents seemed to hold the family together. All 15 cousins, and Aunts and uncles. now that the constant is gone, where is our common ground? We all took it too much for granted. It's safe to say that there will be no reunion dinner this time around.
I suppose that is how life is like, most of the time. We take it for granted, the people, the years, the whole 'assuming that every year, it'll be the same', taking comfort in routine, then suddenly, when something happens to throw it out of sync, we just can't deal. And then it truly becomes nothing more, because we took it too much for granted, up until the point of indifference. And it never again becomes truly important enough to go back to find it. We have, well and truly lost it.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Hiding Part II
So I said that I liked hiding, then when I'm done hiding and I come out and see what has happened whilst I was hiding, I feel such a sense of regret and remorse. Why? Because I could have been there. I could have been part of what was happening. If only I didn't choose to avoid and hide. I would have been in that picture. I would have spent time with that person. It was always that thing I just missed. That 'I so should have been there' moment.
It's more of a 'I knew I should have met up with them when I was in that country' kind of remorse. I guess I'm still not used to the whole globe trotting thing and bumping into friends randomly, (which I did :D) I guess I am still a firm believer in serendipity, and in some respects, fate. If we were all meant to meet up at some point, we would have. I suppose now, I will learn to plan better.
I guess it's a tradeoff at some point, either I spend time with my family OR my friends. But I guess I would like to try something new now. This has to be one of my resolutions for 2008.
Having said that, I hope my next trip, I get to meet up with all of my friends, finally do something crazy for New Year's, take more crazy, random photos. And create even more memories :D
It's more of a 'I knew I should have met up with them when I was in that country' kind of remorse. I guess I'm still not used to the whole globe trotting thing and bumping into friends randomly, (which I did :D) I guess I am still a firm believer in serendipity, and in some respects, fate. If we were all meant to meet up at some point, we would have. I suppose now, I will learn to plan better.
I guess it's a tradeoff at some point, either I spend time with my family OR my friends. But I guess I would like to try something new now. This has to be one of my resolutions for 2008.
Having said that, I hope my next trip, I get to meet up with all of my friends, finally do something crazy for New Year's, take more crazy, random photos. And create even more memories :D
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Starstruck in Taiwan
What started out as an innocent family holiday in Taiwan, quickly became a crazed/stalker/obsessive fan search for one of Taiwan's hottest male actor and fellow Fahrenheit band member, Wu Chun :P
Probably doesn't help that there are cardboard cutouts of him everywhere. Now I always imagined meeting him would be somewhere along the lines of this:
"Glasses? for me? aww..."
Funny thing was, we were making such a huge fuss over the cardboard cutouts that the owner came out and gave us posters. For free :P
First Glimpse :P
Oh and did I mention that we took the opportunity to network whilst waiting? hehe, we made friends with the Producer (ie person in charge) ;)
Normally, it costs TW$100 per person to shake their hands (no posters due to technical errors) My sis and I got a 2 for 1 deal :P I think in NZ$ that was less than $4!
I can't catch the bus here on $4, let alone meet actors/singers/bands!
The irony of it all.
AND there was more:
He told Wu Chun and EVERYONE that we came all the way from NZ to see him. >< I think he called our names at least 3 or 4 times.
Admidst all the screaming girls, I felt bad that I didn't have the necessary/compulsory fan made poster board of his head to hold up when he said all of that :S
I knew I should have stolen the cardboard cutout when I had the chance!
BEST QUOTE from Wu Chun:
He actually said: "ni men chi le ma (Have you eaten?) Yi ding yao chi ah (must eat you know)"
Now this would have been ok except it was 3pm
Snide comment from my hungry dad: "When you have nothing better to say, it's better to say nothing at all"
HAND SHAKING TIME:
All I got was a photo of my butt... O.o
He did ask my sister to "jia you" (add oil)
Tried as we might, none of us could decipher what he meant by that comment...
THEN we passed a 7-Eleven
All he said made sense.
Meaning no. 1: Eat because 7-Eleven is OPEN 24/7
Meaning no. 2: add the oil as seasoning
Ah-ha!
Sneaky endorsement/advertising! And my dad thought he had nothing better to say!
Probably doesn't help that there are cardboard cutouts of him everywhere. Now I always imagined meeting him would be somewhere along the lines of this:
"Glasses? for me? aww..."Funny thing was, we were making such a huge fuss over the cardboard cutouts that the owner came out and gave us posters. For free :P
Not that we were attempting to steal the cutouts or anything... *shifty eyes*
More fantasising followed :P
"Food? For me?"
Ahh, my dad was less than impressed, his comment: "Like asking for money only"
Shopgirl probably thought so too, since she was laughing at us from inside the shop.
Now, I think someone somewhere must have sympathised with my pathetic attempts to meet Mr Wu Chun that they intervened.
Just so happened that we passed by a town where Fahrenheit was going to be performing/autographing ^_^
Getting all hyped up and excited :P
AND THEN after TWO hours of WAITING:
More fantasising followed :P
"Food? For me?"Ahh, my dad was less than impressed, his comment: "Like asking for money only"
Shopgirl probably thought so too, since she was laughing at us from inside the shop.
Now, I think someone somewhere must have sympathised with my pathetic attempts to meet Mr Wu Chun that they intervened.
Just so happened that we passed by a town where Fahrenheit was going to be performing/autographing ^_^
Getting all hyped up and excited :PAND THEN after TWO hours of WAITING:
First Glimpse :POh and did I mention that we took the opportunity to network whilst waiting? hehe, we made friends with the Producer (ie person in charge) ;)
Normally, it costs TW$100 per person to shake their hands (no posters due to technical errors) My sis and I got a 2 for 1 deal :P I think in NZ$ that was less than $4!
I can't catch the bus here on $4, let alone meet actors/singers/bands!
The irony of it all.
AND there was more:
He told Wu Chun and EVERYONE that we came all the way from NZ to see him. >< I think he called our names at least 3 or 4 times.Admidst all the screaming girls, I felt bad that I didn't have the necessary/compulsory fan made poster board of his head to hold up when he said all of that :S
I knew I should have stolen the cardboard cutout when I had the chance!
BEST QUOTE from Wu Chun:
He actually said: "ni men chi le ma (Have you eaten?) Yi ding yao chi ah (must eat you know)"Now this would have been ok except it was 3pm
Snide comment from my hungry dad: "When you have nothing better to say, it's better to say nothing at all"
HAND SHAKING TIME:
All I got was a photo of my butt... O.oHe did ask my sister to "jia you" (add oil)
Tried as we might, none of us could decipher what he meant by that comment...
THEN we passed a 7-Eleven
All he said made sense.Meaning no. 1: Eat because 7-Eleven is OPEN 24/7
Meaning no. 2: add the oil as seasoning
Ah-ha!
Sneaky endorsement/advertising! And my dad thought he had nothing better to say!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Experiences
Interesting things that I have done with my life thus far:
1. AMUNC or Model United Nations at Uni level
Ahh, I remember the heated debates and cruel taunts. I wonder if the real US delegate was treated as such at real assemblies... lol but GA 6 Rocked... I am surprised how well we bonded!
Love the notes from Morocco and Turkey asking me what my position was at 7am... good times.
General Assembly 6 - One big happy family :D
Committee in session. Venezuela has the floor
2. SPARK Committee
Now, just an intro: Spark is the University of Auckland's Entrepreneurship Challenge. Our aim is to create an entrepreneurial culture at the university and we do this through our 3 challenges and speaker series. All free to enter etc etc.. you get the pic.
Freaking out on stage during Prize-giving
3. AIESEC National Conference NZLDS
Sad to say but the first time I ever travelled without my parents >< style="text-align: center;">
Auckland Delegation
Weekend away! lol those papers are actually mini flags of where we're from :D
1. AMUNC or Model United Nations at Uni level
Ahh, I remember the heated debates and cruel taunts. I wonder if the real US delegate was treated as such at real assemblies... lol but GA 6 Rocked... I am surprised how well we bonded!
Love the notes from Morocco and Turkey asking me what my position was at 7am... good times.
General Assembly 6 - One big happy family :D
Committee in session. Venezuela has the floor2. SPARK Committee
Now, just an intro: Spark is the University of Auckland's Entrepreneurship Challenge. Our aim is to create an entrepreneurial culture at the university and we do this through our 3 challenges and speaker series. All free to enter etc etc.. you get the pic.
Ah-mazing experience. I met so many interesting people (I got to meet John Hood, VC of Oxford!) and made a lot of good friends. I definitely want to start my own business now, more than ever.
Name Card duty :D
Name Card duty :D
Freaking out on stage during Prize-giving3. AIESEC National Conference NZLDS
Sad to say but the first time I ever travelled without my parents >< style="text-align: center;">
Auckland Delegation4. International Friends.
This isn't so much something I did, it's something I gained. Note, that string thing took days to disentangle...
This isn't so much something I did, it's something I gained. Note, that string thing took days to disentangle...
Weekend away! lol those papers are actually mini flags of where we're from :D5. Soccer :P
Recently, been really into this game.
Soccer in winter with friends :D
Recently, been really into this game.
Soccer in winter with friends :DThursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Hiding
Whenever we say it's ok, when it's really not, we're hiding. Because it's so much easier to avoid than to explain. I suppose as we grow older, we get better and better at hiding. Maybe it starts at little things like where you come from or stuff that you like, simply because it's not part of the normal pattern of what everyone likes, then it grows to bigger things like secrets and insecurities and sometimes bits of who you are as a person because there are just some things that leave you feeling too vulnerable.
So really, all those problems in the world. They aren't going away. Humans just hide better. We just learn how to avoid them, hide them, store them away.
So really, all those problems in the world. They aren't going away. Humans just hide better. We just learn how to avoid them, hide them, store them away.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Parents, just gotta love them... really...
When are things supposed to be, what are things supposed to be. In law we were taught there is no right and there is no wrong. Things in black and white. But really, sometimes in real life, what is right is not necessarily fair and the same goes for what is wrong.
I just don't seem to get it. When I was growing up back in M'sia, my parents were so busy all the time, yeah they were there, but only when they needed to be. Suffice to say, they did just enough, just what was needed to be a parent. But emotionally, I never once confided in them, never once argued, or even bothered to, or tried to make sense of anything with them. I just did it on my own. Everything. Facing going to school knowing once again I would be the freak, the outcast, every single freaking day... where were they then? Most things in life, it was always, they don't need to know, they would just be better off not knowing. So alot of things, they remain hidden and secret. Important things to me, things that I wish I could tell them. But I don't want to. Like I said, they are better off not knowing.
Maybe I grew up too fast. Maybe they started caring too late. Maybe time just messed it all up... freaking time... damn it... grrrrrr.... but no such thing.. argh logic is messed up.....
I just don't seem to get it. When I was growing up back in M'sia, my parents were so busy all the time, yeah they were there, but only when they needed to be. Suffice to say, they did just enough, just what was needed to be a parent. But emotionally, I never once confided in them, never once argued, or even bothered to, or tried to make sense of anything with them. I just did it on my own. Everything. Facing going to school knowing once again I would be the freak, the outcast, every single freaking day... where were they then? Most things in life, it was always, they don't need to know, they would just be better off not knowing. So alot of things, they remain hidden and secret. Important things to me, things that I wish I could tell them. But I don't want to. Like I said, they are better off not knowing.
Maybe I grew up too fast. Maybe they started caring too late. Maybe time just messed it all up... freaking time... damn it... grrrrrr.... but no such thing.. argh logic is messed up.....
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
One of these days, I'm gonna go out there and get a life that I can call my own
I suck at pretending...
Friday, November 16, 2007
18
Wow.
Why is it that I sometimes feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by the many people that love me?
Is there something wrong with me?
I wish I knew.
It seems like I'm supposed to know where I'm supposed to go. But really, in this mumble jumble of a life, I have no idea.
I want to act my age, I don't want to be burdened with responsibility. I'm supposed to be partying like other 18year olds and going crazy over bands and hot guys... What's wrong with me?
Instead I'm scared over my results for law and what subjects I need to take in order to graduate... sigh.... This is crazy ><
Why is it that I sometimes feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by the many people that love me?
Is there something wrong with me?
I wish I knew.
It seems like I'm supposed to know where I'm supposed to go. But really, in this mumble jumble of a life, I have no idea.
I want to act my age, I don't want to be burdened with responsibility. I'm supposed to be partying like other 18year olds and going crazy over bands and hot guys... What's wrong with me?
Instead I'm scared over my results for law and what subjects I need to take in order to graduate... sigh.... This is crazy ><
Saturday, November 03, 2007
wow... and it has been how many years? Really? wow.
Story of my life. It seems pretty predictable, go to uni, go to lectures, come home, study, exam, holiday then repeat.
My friend was asking me the other day what I wanted to do in life, and I was like, travelling. yeah. that's the best part of life. I wanna go out there and just experience it. Spain. I want to be on a beach in Spain. And then I confessed my dream to him, that what I wanted most in life was to be a writer, that I would go and live on some deserted island all by myself, self reliant. Just to be on that island, by myself, sleeping under the stars. That was just my idea of bliss. It would be my escape, my very own piece of paradise.
I'm such a loner. Maybe I'm meant to be a loner. All my plans have only me in them, seldom with anyone else. When I daydream, no one is in it except me. What does that mean? That I don't belong to people? Weird thing is I want to belong to someone, anyone, one of those, so and so and Lynn, be associated and whatnot... LIFE IS TRES WEIRD. And Sad.
Maybe if the multitude of human feelings were less, if we were less capable of feeling and knowing so much, life would be simpler.
One of these days....
Story of my life. It seems pretty predictable, go to uni, go to lectures, come home, study, exam, holiday then repeat.
My friend was asking me the other day what I wanted to do in life, and I was like, travelling. yeah. that's the best part of life. I wanna go out there and just experience it. Spain. I want to be on a beach in Spain. And then I confessed my dream to him, that what I wanted most in life was to be a writer, that I would go and live on some deserted island all by myself, self reliant. Just to be on that island, by myself, sleeping under the stars. That was just my idea of bliss. It would be my escape, my very own piece of paradise.
I'm such a loner. Maybe I'm meant to be a loner. All my plans have only me in them, seldom with anyone else. When I daydream, no one is in it except me. What does that mean? That I don't belong to people? Weird thing is I want to belong to someone, anyone, one of those, so and so and Lynn, be associated and whatnot... LIFE IS TRES WEIRD. And Sad.
Maybe if the multitude of human feelings were less, if we were less capable of feeling and knowing so much, life would be simpler.
One of these days....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
It's gonna be better...
Things are going to get better. They have to. I have been all asunder lately. Nothing makes sense. The more I try the harder it becomes. And it's all in me threatening to blow me up. In times like these I am glad I have a blog to keep me somewhat sane. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not out there doing the things I love. The things I want to do. I wish I had the guts to just go and do it. Just leave whatever it is behind and just go for it. But I can't. I like my plans and lists and all that they stand for. People expect so much and I'm supposed to deliver. I can't even see the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see what it is I'm supposed to be. And it used to be so clear... :(
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Ambiguity
I don't like admitting things to myself. Especially things about where I have to care. Because caring means hoping and hoping means that there is a chance of disappointment. I want to be numb yet at the same time, I want to care, but am scared to. I dont want to be disappointed. I dont want to be taken for granted. I dont want to be used. I dont want to feel stupid and having no sense of control over what I feel and do. I'm freaking scared. yet at the same time, I don't want to be. I dont like this limbo that I am in.... :(
Monday, August 20, 2007
Awkward Goodbyes and Long Farewells.
So today I said the most awkward goodbye of my life. It's funny how much has changed in such a short space of time. Can't believe we couldn't even manage a handshake. It amazes me. It saddens me. I never imagined it would turn out like this. When did it all become so stilted and awkward. Can't believe we even used to be friends.
Sometimes, I wish I managed to say more than a take care. Would have been nice to have talked for awhile. It's been awhile. Maybe I will regret this later. Who knows? I just hope this is a part of me that no one ever sees, the part that stands to regret.
Maybe tomorrow, it will be better. Maybe, I will forget. I don't know. Just right now, I don't even know what to make of it. But it just astounds me that we couldn't even say goodbye properly. It's just a word. Or even a simple handshake.
Perhaps we know better or maybe even that we know too much.
Sometimes, I wish I managed to say more than a take care. Would have been nice to have talked for awhile. It's been awhile. Maybe I will regret this later. Who knows? I just hope this is a part of me that no one ever sees, the part that stands to regret.
Maybe tomorrow, it will be better. Maybe, I will forget. I don't know. Just right now, I don't even know what to make of it. But it just astounds me that we couldn't even say goodbye properly. It's just a word. Or even a simple handshake.
Perhaps we know better or maybe even that we know too much.
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