Doesn't anybody notice? That I don't smile that much anymore.

Sigh

I believe in alot of things. I try not to. But I do anyway. It seems like I love going around in circles. Revisiting old selves. I try not to. But I do anyway. I just can't make sense of everything. Betrayal Hurts. It cuts so deep. I never knew. I trust too easy. And I have never felt so alone before. People I used to be able to confide in have disappeared. And those that I thought I could trust, were the ones who just hurt me more. I don't know which is worse. I just can't come to terms with it I suppose. I never knew that a person could be capable of such things. It makes me lose so much faith in people. the world. what little that is left. I'm scared. There must be some way I can get rid of it. I don't even know how to face it. I never knew that I had more enemies than friends. I am shocked and so so hurt. How could it happen that way? I don't understand. I have never felt so helpless before. Who knew that there were so many ways to get hurt. I hope this is the last of them. I hope.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't know. And even if I explained it all. You wouldn't understand. Not one bit. Not at all. So stop telling me you do. I just wish you would stop judging me. I feel so careful all the time. So worried about taking the wrong step. Doing the wrong thing. I am becoming cautious. I don't like that. And I hate how you make me feel as if I have to be. As if I have to account for who I am. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I have to be someone else to be worthy. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to feel as if I have to be like someone else to be worthy. I am worthy on my own. It is just a pity that you don't see that. And I am afraid that you never will and I pity you. For being so blind. For turning on your own friends. For forgetting so easily. For taking things for granted. I pity you. But then again. You don't deserve my pity. Who are you to tell me who I should be like, what I should do. WHO? nobody. So stop acting like you know everything about me. Because you don't know. You don't know anything about me and you never will.

Loss

I lost alot of things this year. I lost people. I lost places. I lost moments. And some stuff, I lost, I thought these things held me together. Apparantly not. I know that now. I also don't know what DOES hold me together. I did a deduction, I took away parts of my life that I thought would make me fall apart. It didn't. I know better now.

I thought that if I had things to do and people to please, I was fine. I had things to do. I knew what to do. It was easy. Then I learnt, you can't make everyone in this world happy. Because frankly, no one cares. So what if you try to be nice, so what if you try to be understanding. No one cares about you in the end. It's inevitable. It's the world we live in.

I don't want to do things that will only please other people. Make others happy. I want to make myself happy too. Because, who wants to make me happy at the end of the day? No one.

One Art

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.



Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.



I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.





--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Two

Endless roads,

Changing worlds;

Our paths divide,

We separate.

Forgotten memories;

Wasted time;

Our paths cross,

You and I

From inside our worlds,

We stare.

What once was

A long, distant dream.

Hesitant words;

Halting touch;

When once we were,

Now two apart.

Separated.

- Lynn Lai -

Stolen

I was looking in the mirror the other day. It is true, I see less of myself. Less of my soul. Everything used to be so clear. Clarity. It is a fleeting thing. Sometimes, I am afraid that I am this way because I told people too many things and so parts of me got stolen and I'm never going to get them back, ever. It's a scary thing to think of, people holding pieces of you. or even more scary, people having taken pieces of you.

And I wonder. What now? I wish I never said anything. I wish I kept my distance. I wish that things were different. And the truth is, I hurt.Deepdown, believe it or not, I actually hurt. I hurt for broken dreams. For lost hope. For sad moments. For broken friendships. For what was once there but is now gone. For times that were happy that haunt when I'm sad. For people that leave without a backward glance. For loving people that don't love me back. For missing people who couldn't care less. For wanting to turn back time, yet can't. For not being able to face the future. For not getting what I want. For wanting to share my dreams and hopes and seeing it fall into a deep abyss of nothingness. For my broken heart. For people who outgrew me. For being left out. For stupid things that I can never change. For lost moments. For being broken inside. For letting someone break me. For lost best friends. For lost words. For everything that happened. For all the mistakes. For missing someone who doesn't miss me back. For not being missed. For being weird. For being me.

:(