Ambiguity

I don't like admitting things to myself. Especially things about where I have to care. Because caring means hoping and hoping means that there is a chance of disappointment. I want to be numb yet at the same time, I want to care, but am scared to. I dont want to be disappointed. I dont want to be taken for granted. I dont want to be used. I dont want to feel stupid and having no sense of control over what I feel and do. I'm freaking scared. yet at the same time, I don't want to be. I dont like this limbo that I am in.... :(

Awkward Goodbyes and Long Farewells.

So today I said the most awkward goodbye of my life. It's funny how much has changed in such a short space of time. Can't believe we couldn't even manage a handshake. It amazes me. It saddens me. I never imagined it would turn out like this. When did it all become so stilted and awkward. Can't believe we even used to be friends.

Sometimes, I wish I managed to say more than a take care. Would have been nice to have talked for awhile. It's been awhile. Maybe I will regret this later. Who knows? I just hope this is a part of me that no one ever sees, the part that stands to regret.

Maybe tomorrow, it will be better. Maybe, I will forget. I don't know. Just right now, I don't even know what to make of it. But it just astounds me that we couldn't even say goodbye properly. It's just a word. Or even a simple handshake.

Perhaps we know better or maybe even that we know too much.

Maybe Tomorrow...

hello
I've waited here for you
everlong
tonight I throw myself into
and out of the red
out of her head she sang

come down
and waste away with me
down with me
slow how
you wanted it to be
I'm over my head
out of her head she sang

and I wonder
when I sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've gotta promise not to stop when I say when
she sang

breathe out so I can breathe you in
hold you in
and now I know you've always been
out of your head
out of my head I sang

New Obsession

Seems like I have found a new obsession :P Final Fantasy X and X2, there is something about it that just appeals to my complex self. I love the plot and story line and it's just so damn complicated which just makes it all the more appealing :D

I have no idea why but for some strange reason it's just so insanely interesting... :P

It's been awhile since I have been able to just sit and not think about anything at all. It's been pretty hectic lately, crazy crazy stuff.

So I just put on some music and headed over to my blog to do some reflection. The brink of everything seems really daunting. Like I have it, I see it, I know it's possible. But there is also the possibility that I might lose it. I don't want to lose it. It's a scary feeling...

So someone said to me. The flower, it's in your hands, and it could either blossom and grow, or it could wither. And that was scary. I could kill the flower or make it grow. Something so fragile. It takes alot to make a flower grow, the water, the sunlight, the soil, the fertilizer, and it's so beautiful in the end that it's all worth it. But still, it's fragile nonetheless. I don't want to destroy it. But am I able to make it grow? I wish I knew. I want it to grow, I want to see it blossom. But if it does, it won't be of my own accord, the thing is, I'm a small, tiny bit in this whole large process, it doesn't matter to me, which part, just to be part of the process, it's overwhelming. To be able to create something so beautiful for everyone else to enjoy, to be able to do that, is just too big for me to comprehend. It means I can make a difference, no matter how small I am, even if I was a tiny ray of sunlight or a tiny drop of water, it helps.

And this is me, this is who I am. I am what I want to be. I want to make things happen, be able to make a change, no matter how small. I know how it feels, the heady sense of anticipation. But I'm biding my time. I'm waiting for the right moment.