Reaching for more
Falling hard
Hoping to see
in the darkness ahead
Waiting for more
needing to see
empty words
feeding empty hopes
Promises you made
thrown away
no looking back
there is no yesterday
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Something
Perhaps I am the dumbest person on earth, perhaps the most self centered, the most selfish
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?
Monday, April 10, 2006
Hmmm, updating on life. holidays are finally and I mean, FINALLY here, not yet anyway.
But it's coming.
Can't think of much to say except that the sofas in the info commons are cool, from a tired person's perspective. ah, one of the perks of uni life, being able to hang about with friends at the sofas, computers, air conditioning, what else is needed? One more perk? doing this at home because I have no morning classes.. lol. enough said.
Now, this is funny, accounting lecturer, Mr. Grobbelaar refuses to pay the parking at the airport because he does not want to contribute to their already very high revenue. and he is the only person who can make the slides go backwards instead of forwards. too funny.
ok ok not much happening.. just gonna survive till thursday and that's it.
But it's coming.
Can't think of much to say except that the sofas in the info commons are cool, from a tired person's perspective. ah, one of the perks of uni life, being able to hang about with friends at the sofas, computers, air conditioning, what else is needed? One more perk? doing this at home because I have no morning classes.. lol. enough said.
Now, this is funny, accounting lecturer, Mr. Grobbelaar refuses to pay the parking at the airport because he does not want to contribute to their already very high revenue. and he is the only person who can make the slides go backwards instead of forwards. too funny.
ok ok not much happening.. just gonna survive till thursday and that's it.
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