World through my eyes

I was just thinking. As per usual. And I wonder. If anyone would just happen to chance by and just want to look at the world through my eyes, just to think if it was possible. Be so intrigued by how I perceive the world that they want to know to.

Sometimes, I think that maybe people don't like how I see the world. I just wish for one second, that I won't be afraid to always look as I do, raw and not through the eyes of others. Or not even wonder if it might be better to do so. Over these past few months. I feel like I lost a part of me. Something so intangible that I can't even place it. Sometimes, I don't know if growing up is worth all of this. I go into flashback mode more often lately. I keep searching for moments where, I'm whole. The truest version of me. I like doing nothing. Lately I have been rushing around so much to try and forget. Running away from something. myself maybe. I look into my eyes, and I see less, I see less of what's inside me. Less of my soul. It scares me. Maybe it's hiding.

I like hiding. It's a fact. Sometimes, I don't trust people. Am I really worth all the trouble? There must be a catch. But it's nice too when people notice. Notice the little things. I always thought I would be happy just being the girl in the corner. The one who just watched. The one who wanted alot of things but was afraid to hope because disappointment comes too easy. There are so many things in this world that I want but am so afraid to hope for. So afraid even, to let myself want. Because I just know I will never have. It's just not me. I don't want to be found wanting.

I used to want to tell people things. Things I thought. Things about the world through my eyes. But now, I don't want to tell anyone anything. When I see someone, I just want to shut off. Not care. And it's easy. And it can be done. I can not care. And I find myself doing it alot lately. It just means I don't have to deal.

But sometimes, I wish. Wish that someone will just say, what's the deal? What the hell's up with you lately? Because that will mean that someone actually notices. That someone actually cares. That someone actually does know me. And can tell me something about what they knew so I can start rebuilding.

Nothingness

So I am sitting here, I am staring at my computer. I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm fighting this darkness in me that won't go away. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had an exam today. No I am not ok. I am not fine.

I just want to bury myself and not come out. I just want to lie in bed all day. And just lie there, and just stare into darkness. I can see this darkness in me. I just discovered it. It's a morbid side of me. It's a part I never knew I had. It is a part that is winning. That seems to feast on all my hopes and dreams and gets bigger. Ready to conquer me. Where are all those beautiful moments that I stored, ready to fight this moment? They have all been seeped up by the darkness. I should be ok. I know that. It's so easy to want to be ok. I know that too. Tell me something that I don't know.

People tell me. It's going to be ok. And I know. But I just can't. I just can't see the light. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I try but I can't see. It's not that I don't want to. I just can't. Don't get frustrated with me. Don't judge me. I just can't seem to find it or believe it. I can't believe that I am ok until I am. It's like I have been swallowed up by this dark abyss of blackness and I can't find a way out. And I should fight my way out. But why bother? Why fight it. I give up.

Random stuff that makes absolutely no sense.

I hate not knowing stuff. There. I admit it. Sometimes I think it makes me look stupid. And I hate how my mind seems to go into overdrive 'let's guess what's happening' mode. I mean, I can deal with not knowing but to have my mind telling me reasons and obsessing... NOT COOL...

Anyways, on another note, I absolutely hate how people think I'm 'nice'. I am not nice. And FYI, being 'nice' doesn't mean U CAN'T hurt me. I mean, by all means, go ahead because u know what?? I won't BREAK... seriously...

This post is seriously unstructured.

I mean, why do I worry about what people think of me. Why do I constantly try to please and pretend that everything is all sweet when it's all inside threatening to suffocate me. One of these days, I am going to do what I want, not what others want. One of these days...