Something

Perhaps I am the dumbest person on earth, perhaps the most self centered, the most selfish
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?