And there are just those days that feel so surreal and lonely. And utterly scary.

I want to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and just forget. Because some things just aren't worth remembering. OK so maybe that's a little bit extreme but still. I rather not remember. There that sounds less harsh.

It's gonna be better...

Things are going to get better. They have to. I have been all asunder lately. Nothing makes sense. The more I try the harder it becomes. And it's all in me threatening to blow me up. In times like these I am glad I have a blog to keep me somewhat sane. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not out there doing the things I love. The things I want to do. I wish I had the guts to just go and do it. Just leave whatever it is behind and just go for it. But I can't. I like my plans and lists and all that they stand for. People expect so much and I'm supposed to deliver. I can't even see the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see what it is I'm supposed to be. And it used to be so clear... :(

Ambiguity

I don't like admitting things to myself. Especially things about where I have to care. Because caring means hoping and hoping means that there is a chance of disappointment. I want to be numb yet at the same time, I want to care, but am scared to. I dont want to be disappointed. I dont want to be taken for granted. I dont want to be used. I dont want to feel stupid and having no sense of control over what I feel and do. I'm freaking scared. yet at the same time, I don't want to be. I dont like this limbo that I am in.... :(

Awkward Goodbyes and Long Farewells.

So today I said the most awkward goodbye of my life. It's funny how much has changed in such a short space of time. Can't believe we couldn't even manage a handshake. It amazes me. It saddens me. I never imagined it would turn out like this. When did it all become so stilted and awkward. Can't believe we even used to be friends.

Sometimes, I wish I managed to say more than a take care. Would have been nice to have talked for awhile. It's been awhile. Maybe I will regret this later. Who knows? I just hope this is a part of me that no one ever sees, the part that stands to regret.

Maybe tomorrow, it will be better. Maybe, I will forget. I don't know. Just right now, I don't even know what to make of it. But it just astounds me that we couldn't even say goodbye properly. It's just a word. Or even a simple handshake.

Perhaps we know better or maybe even that we know too much.

Maybe Tomorrow...

hello
I've waited here for you
everlong
tonight I throw myself into
and out of the red
out of her head she sang

come down
and waste away with me
down with me
slow how
you wanted it to be
I'm over my head
out of her head she sang

and I wonder
when I sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've gotta promise not to stop when I say when
she sang

breathe out so I can breathe you in
hold you in
and now I know you've always been
out of your head
out of my head I sang

New Obsession

Seems like I have found a new obsession :P Final Fantasy X and X2, there is something about it that just appeals to my complex self. I love the plot and story line and it's just so damn complicated which just makes it all the more appealing :D

I have no idea why but for some strange reason it's just so insanely interesting... :P

It's been awhile since I have been able to just sit and not think about anything at all. It's been pretty hectic lately, crazy crazy stuff.

So I just put on some music and headed over to my blog to do some reflection. The brink of everything seems really daunting. Like I have it, I see it, I know it's possible. But there is also the possibility that I might lose it. I don't want to lose it. It's a scary feeling...

So someone said to me. The flower, it's in your hands, and it could either blossom and grow, or it could wither. And that was scary. I could kill the flower or make it grow. Something so fragile. It takes alot to make a flower grow, the water, the sunlight, the soil, the fertilizer, and it's so beautiful in the end that it's all worth it. But still, it's fragile nonetheless. I don't want to destroy it. But am I able to make it grow? I wish I knew. I want it to grow, I want to see it blossom. But if it does, it won't be of my own accord, the thing is, I'm a small, tiny bit in this whole large process, it doesn't matter to me, which part, just to be part of the process, it's overwhelming. To be able to create something so beautiful for everyone else to enjoy, to be able to do that, is just too big for me to comprehend. It means I can make a difference, no matter how small I am, even if I was a tiny ray of sunlight or a tiny drop of water, it helps.

And this is me, this is who I am. I am what I want to be. I want to make things happen, be able to make a change, no matter how small. I know how it feels, the heady sense of anticipation. But I'm biding my time. I'm waiting for the right moment.

Doesn't anybody notice? That I don't smile that much anymore.

Sigh

I believe in alot of things. I try not to. But I do anyway. It seems like I love going around in circles. Revisiting old selves. I try not to. But I do anyway. I just can't make sense of everything. Betrayal Hurts. It cuts so deep. I never knew. I trust too easy. And I have never felt so alone before. People I used to be able to confide in have disappeared. And those that I thought I could trust, were the ones who just hurt me more. I don't know which is worse. I just can't come to terms with it I suppose. I never knew that a person could be capable of such things. It makes me lose so much faith in people. the world. what little that is left. I'm scared. There must be some way I can get rid of it. I don't even know how to face it. I never knew that I had more enemies than friends. I am shocked and so so hurt. How could it happen that way? I don't understand. I have never felt so helpless before. Who knew that there were so many ways to get hurt. I hope this is the last of them. I hope.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't know. And even if I explained it all. You wouldn't understand. Not one bit. Not at all. So stop telling me you do. I just wish you would stop judging me. I feel so careful all the time. So worried about taking the wrong step. Doing the wrong thing. I am becoming cautious. I don't like that. And I hate how you make me feel as if I have to be. As if I have to account for who I am. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I have to be someone else to be worthy. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to feel as if I have to be like someone else to be worthy. I am worthy on my own. It is just a pity that you don't see that. And I am afraid that you never will and I pity you. For being so blind. For turning on your own friends. For forgetting so easily. For taking things for granted. I pity you. But then again. You don't deserve my pity. Who are you to tell me who I should be like, what I should do. WHO? nobody. So stop acting like you know everything about me. Because you don't know. You don't know anything about me and you never will.

Loss

I lost alot of things this year. I lost people. I lost places. I lost moments. And some stuff, I lost, I thought these things held me together. Apparantly not. I know that now. I also don't know what DOES hold me together. I did a deduction, I took away parts of my life that I thought would make me fall apart. It didn't. I know better now.

I thought that if I had things to do and people to please, I was fine. I had things to do. I knew what to do. It was easy. Then I learnt, you can't make everyone in this world happy. Because frankly, no one cares. So what if you try to be nice, so what if you try to be understanding. No one cares about you in the end. It's inevitable. It's the world we live in.

I don't want to do things that will only please other people. Make others happy. I want to make myself happy too. Because, who wants to make me happy at the end of the day? No one.

One Art

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.



Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.



I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.





--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Two

Endless roads,

Changing worlds;

Our paths divide,

We separate.

Forgotten memories;

Wasted time;

Our paths cross,

You and I

From inside our worlds,

We stare.

What once was

A long, distant dream.

Hesitant words;

Halting touch;

When once we were,

Now two apart.

Separated.

- Lynn Lai -

Stolen

I was looking in the mirror the other day. It is true, I see less of myself. Less of my soul. Everything used to be so clear. Clarity. It is a fleeting thing. Sometimes, I am afraid that I am this way because I told people too many things and so parts of me got stolen and I'm never going to get them back, ever. It's a scary thing to think of, people holding pieces of you. or even more scary, people having taken pieces of you.

And I wonder. What now? I wish I never said anything. I wish I kept my distance. I wish that things were different. And the truth is, I hurt.Deepdown, believe it or not, I actually hurt. I hurt for broken dreams. For lost hope. For sad moments. For broken friendships. For what was once there but is now gone. For times that were happy that haunt when I'm sad. For people that leave without a backward glance. For loving people that don't love me back. For missing people who couldn't care less. For wanting to turn back time, yet can't. For not being able to face the future. For not getting what I want. For wanting to share my dreams and hopes and seeing it fall into a deep abyss of nothingness. For my broken heart. For people who outgrew me. For being left out. For stupid things that I can never change. For lost moments. For being broken inside. For letting someone break me. For lost best friends. For lost words. For everything that happened. For all the mistakes. For missing someone who doesn't miss me back. For not being missed. For being weird. For being me.

:(

World through my eyes

I was just thinking. As per usual. And I wonder. If anyone would just happen to chance by and just want to look at the world through my eyes, just to think if it was possible. Be so intrigued by how I perceive the world that they want to know to.

Sometimes, I think that maybe people don't like how I see the world. I just wish for one second, that I won't be afraid to always look as I do, raw and not through the eyes of others. Or not even wonder if it might be better to do so. Over these past few months. I feel like I lost a part of me. Something so intangible that I can't even place it. Sometimes, I don't know if growing up is worth all of this. I go into flashback mode more often lately. I keep searching for moments where, I'm whole. The truest version of me. I like doing nothing. Lately I have been rushing around so much to try and forget. Running away from something. myself maybe. I look into my eyes, and I see less, I see less of what's inside me. Less of my soul. It scares me. Maybe it's hiding.

I like hiding. It's a fact. Sometimes, I don't trust people. Am I really worth all the trouble? There must be a catch. But it's nice too when people notice. Notice the little things. I always thought I would be happy just being the girl in the corner. The one who just watched. The one who wanted alot of things but was afraid to hope because disappointment comes too easy. There are so many things in this world that I want but am so afraid to hope for. So afraid even, to let myself want. Because I just know I will never have. It's just not me. I don't want to be found wanting.

I used to want to tell people things. Things I thought. Things about the world through my eyes. But now, I don't want to tell anyone anything. When I see someone, I just want to shut off. Not care. And it's easy. And it can be done. I can not care. And I find myself doing it alot lately. It just means I don't have to deal.

But sometimes, I wish. Wish that someone will just say, what's the deal? What the hell's up with you lately? Because that will mean that someone actually notices. That someone actually cares. That someone actually does know me. And can tell me something about what they knew so I can start rebuilding.

Nothingness

So I am sitting here, I am staring at my computer. I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm fighting this darkness in me that won't go away. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had an exam today. No I am not ok. I am not fine.

I just want to bury myself and not come out. I just want to lie in bed all day. And just lie there, and just stare into darkness. I can see this darkness in me. I just discovered it. It's a morbid side of me. It's a part I never knew I had. It is a part that is winning. That seems to feast on all my hopes and dreams and gets bigger. Ready to conquer me. Where are all those beautiful moments that I stored, ready to fight this moment? They have all been seeped up by the darkness. I should be ok. I know that. It's so easy to want to be ok. I know that too. Tell me something that I don't know.

People tell me. It's going to be ok. And I know. But I just can't. I just can't see the light. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I try but I can't see. It's not that I don't want to. I just can't. Don't get frustrated with me. Don't judge me. I just can't seem to find it or believe it. I can't believe that I am ok until I am. It's like I have been swallowed up by this dark abyss of blackness and I can't find a way out. And I should fight my way out. But why bother? Why fight it. I give up.