Reaching for more
Falling hard
Hoping to see
in the darkness ahead
Waiting for more
needing to see
empty words
feeding empty hopes
Promises you made
thrown away
no looking back
there is no yesterday
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Something
Perhaps I am the dumbest person on earth, perhaps the most self centered, the most selfish
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?
Monday, April 10, 2006
Hmmm, updating on life. holidays are finally and I mean, FINALLY here, not yet anyway.
But it's coming.
Can't think of much to say except that the sofas in the info commons are cool, from a tired person's perspective. ah, one of the perks of uni life, being able to hang about with friends at the sofas, computers, air conditioning, what else is needed? One more perk? doing this at home because I have no morning classes.. lol. enough said.
Now, this is funny, accounting lecturer, Mr. Grobbelaar refuses to pay the parking at the airport because he does not want to contribute to their already very high revenue. and he is the only person who can make the slides go backwards instead of forwards. too funny.
ok ok not much happening.. just gonna survive till thursday and that's it.
But it's coming.
Can't think of much to say except that the sofas in the info commons are cool, from a tired person's perspective. ah, one of the perks of uni life, being able to hang about with friends at the sofas, computers, air conditioning, what else is needed? One more perk? doing this at home because I have no morning classes.. lol. enough said.
Now, this is funny, accounting lecturer, Mr. Grobbelaar refuses to pay the parking at the airport because he does not want to contribute to their already very high revenue. and he is the only person who can make the slides go backwards instead of forwards. too funny.
ok ok not much happening.. just gonna survive till thursday and that's it.
Friday, March 31, 2006
So.... I am sitting here, staring at my computer screen, listening to 'savin' me' by Nickelback on my trusty MP3 player. And I can't think of a single thing to say.
Remember by Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day.
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
This poem has always fascinated me. Sometimes, I wonder why things happen, and how it hurts but no one understands, I think it's because they are emotionally detached, like they can't feel what I'm feeling.
Remember by Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day.
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
This poem has always fascinated me. Sometimes, I wonder why things happen, and how it hurts but no one understands, I think it's because they are emotionally detached, like they can't feel what I'm feeling.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Broken Hope
May all your wishes come true,
when hopes elude you.
And loneliness surrounds you
with dreams of unknown loveliness.
When all your feelings leave you,
And dreams are but forgotten.
Whatever hope belies you,
broken into a million pieces.
You know, I always doubted it. I thought it never existed, yet it did, and it's not there anymore and will never be there anymore, and I don't know which is worse, doubting its existence or knowing that it exists and I can't have it.
I also know now that stars don't last forever, that they are there, for awhile and they are so bright and they light up your life, but it's only temporary, you might think they last forever, but they don't. But if they were not there, the sky would be so empty. And how if you were lucky enough to find someone you loved then lost them, you would feel like that, the sky without stars.
And then, you wonder, why, in the first place, were the stars there. I don't know. I will never know.
Maybe, life is meant to be like that, not knowing, but just blindly wondering. Like eating M&Ms in the dark, you never know what colour you are going to get next.
when hopes elude you.
And loneliness surrounds you
with dreams of unknown loveliness.
When all your feelings leave you,
And dreams are but forgotten.
Whatever hope belies you,
broken into a million pieces.
You know, I always doubted it. I thought it never existed, yet it did, and it's not there anymore and will never be there anymore, and I don't know which is worse, doubting its existence or knowing that it exists and I can't have it.
I also know now that stars don't last forever, that they are there, for awhile and they are so bright and they light up your life, but it's only temporary, you might think they last forever, but they don't. But if they were not there, the sky would be so empty. And how if you were lucky enough to find someone you loved then lost them, you would feel like that, the sky without stars.
And then, you wonder, why, in the first place, were the stars there. I don't know. I will never know.
Maybe, life is meant to be like that, not knowing, but just blindly wondering. Like eating M&Ms in the dark, you never know what colour you are going to get next.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Re: Humans are not pests
They most definitely are. What's up with you besides the uni thing and the spm thing and the getting one year older thing... lol Catch ya later!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
Well, Hi There
Hey Racoon,
why close your other blog? Haven't talked to you in ages... So, how's life? Interesting? I bet it is. Heard from the uni yet?
See ya around soon. Actually, hope to hear from you SOON!
Btw, how was ur malaysian studies test?
why close your other blog? Haven't talked to you in ages... So, how's life? Interesting? I bet it is. Heard from the uni yet?
See ya around soon. Actually, hope to hear from you SOON!
Btw, how was ur malaysian studies test?
Saturday, January 14, 2006
been ignoring you.. haven't I?
Hey blog,
you know, its weird sometimes. When I read my previous posts.. they seem somewhat pathetic, like I didn't know better back then, or wasn't that 'experienced' or different, somehow more mature, now than before. I cringe at all the embarrassing stuff I did and wonder if people actually noticed me and whether they were all secretly laughing at me all along. But, I feel so much more confident and comfortable with myself right now... than I did before. I always thought I never really knew myself and thus, I did not know how to even be myself. I remember when I was like 13 and someone asked me what I liked and I couldn't answer and I felt so helpless and lost and I totally felt like crying.. because all along, I never thought that I wouldn't even know myself. I couldn't even answer that one simple question! when I should have been able to. And. now, I wonder why at that time, I wasn't able to even answer it. It then occurred to me that what I had been doing all along was try to be like someone else, to fit in, to be accepted. i guess then, I realised that I was unique and only I could be me and that I did not want to be a clone anymore. I guess that day, I found myself again. After so many years, I finally saw myself again, and that feeling of being on the outside looking in disappeared. not completely though. And now, I feel so much better. I am me and SO much more. A combination of personality and experience and lots of love and support. And I like that me so much better. And I'm really lucky. And I'm glad.
you know, its weird sometimes. When I read my previous posts.. they seem somewhat pathetic, like I didn't know better back then, or wasn't that 'experienced' or different, somehow more mature, now than before. I cringe at all the embarrassing stuff I did and wonder if people actually noticed me and whether they were all secretly laughing at me all along. But, I feel so much more confident and comfortable with myself right now... than I did before. I always thought I never really knew myself and thus, I did not know how to even be myself. I remember when I was like 13 and someone asked me what I liked and I couldn't answer and I felt so helpless and lost and I totally felt like crying.. because all along, I never thought that I wouldn't even know myself. I couldn't even answer that one simple question! when I should have been able to. And. now, I wonder why at that time, I wasn't able to even answer it. It then occurred to me that what I had been doing all along was try to be like someone else, to fit in, to be accepted. i guess then, I realised that I was unique and only I could be me and that I did not want to be a clone anymore. I guess that day, I found myself again. After so many years, I finally saw myself again, and that feeling of being on the outside looking in disappeared. not completely though. And now, I feel so much better. I am me and SO much more. A combination of personality and experience and lots of love and support. And I like that me so much better. And I'm really lucky. And I'm glad.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Remember
He stared into space, while fingering the half heart pendant on his chest. He could still hear her voice, "One half for me and the other for you, we now need each other to make our hearts whole!" The excitement when she had fastened it around his neck and the expression on her face. He still remembered everything as clearly as if it was yesterday. But in fact, it was many weeks ago. Now, she was no longer here, she had passed away. A car accident. And all he had left of her was half a heart, since the other half had died. He still couldn't accept the fact that she was gone. Forever. A tear rolled down his cheek. Sighing deeply, he closed his eyes and soon fell asleep. And he saw her face, she was smiling at him, and holding his hand and pressing something into it while saying, "You can't live with half a heart, can't love again with only half. Just don't forget me, and I will always love you." She turned to go, he stretched out to touch her but she was already gone. He woke up with a start and wondered if what happened was real and in his hand, he felt something, it was the other half of the pendant. He smiled slowly, sadly and remembered her words.
One
One moon lights up the dark night sky
One heart dies when love is done
One word changes all meaning
One smile makes you happy
One person makes a difference
One heart dies when love is done
One word changes all meaning
One smile makes you happy
One person makes a difference
Why?
There are only 4 possible reasons you are reading this:
1. You know who GirlX is. But since I only told one person about this, that rules you out.
2. You are a perv surfing the net and thinks that the X in GirlX means X-rated. WRONG. Wipe off the drool, GET A LIFE and surf on.
3. You're actually interested in my secrets.
Most People: know everything, not inferior, self actualized.
Me: Who knows? Even I don't.
And the only other reason for why you might still be reading this is:
4. You are just like me.
1. You know who GirlX is. But since I only told one person about this, that rules you out.
2. You are a perv surfing the net and thinks that the X in GirlX means X-rated. WRONG. Wipe off the drool, GET A LIFE and surf on.
3. You're actually interested in my secrets.
Most People: know everything, not inferior, self actualized.
Me: Who knows? Even I don't.
And the only other reason for why you might still be reading this is:
4. You are just like me.
Inside From the Outside
Feeling lost
Insecure
Doors closed
Windows shut
Closing in
Suffocating
Will I ever
Find my way out?
Insecure
Doors closed
Windows shut
Closing in
Suffocating
Will I ever
Find my way out?
Notes
I have a space on? in? this world wide web, finally, and I have Nothing to put on it...Either wat I write, I feel is better left unpublished or just sounds plain stupid...but it wouldn't make any difference anyway because nobody is reading this. And if you are, then you are person number 2. (apart from me, that is).
My secrets:
1. Great fear of heights, yet because i had to paint my window, i have had to climb ladders and just thinking about it...my palms are starting to sweat. Hate HEIGHTS, be it 7 feet or a 100. Just can't stand it.
2. I want to be known as an individual. That person that everybody likes. That is the coolest and does not conform to the system.
Not very interesting so far...
3. I like feeling numb. Because then I feel nothing. And when i let myself feel, i feel too much. Bleed for everything.
How about a little of who i am:
clue #1: A teenager, almost sixteen, almost.
clue #2: I am doing this because i have this need to be noticed, attention-seeking but then again, you don't know who GirlX is, so that defeats the purpose.
clue #3: NZ.
My secrets:
1. Great fear of heights, yet because i had to paint my window, i have had to climb ladders and just thinking about it...my palms are starting to sweat. Hate HEIGHTS, be it 7 feet or a 100. Just can't stand it.
2. I want to be known as an individual. That person that everybody likes. That is the coolest and does not conform to the system.
Not very interesting so far...
3. I like feeling numb. Because then I feel nothing. And when i let myself feel, i feel too much. Bleed for everything.
How about a little of who i am:
clue #1: A teenager, almost sixteen, almost.
clue #2: I am doing this because i have this need to be noticed, attention-seeking but then again, you don't know who GirlX is, so that defeats the purpose.
clue #3: NZ.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
thoughts
Does anybody read this ever? There must be thousands out there unread. There must be billions of blogs. So, thought of the day would have to be school isnt that boring after all, waiting for school to start is even more boring. This is like a public journal, letting everyone see your thoughts. Very interesting concept. Technology these days...ok, so what did i do today? gardening, lots of it, exercise is definitely not going to cure boredom, (i ended up with a sore arm, good for all the ppl out there who do it for a living.) So, person who is reading this...isn't my life the most interesting? you probably must have read the first few lines and then switched sites or watever so, you r probably not reading this. i could make it more interesting...say that i am a famous movie star and this is my very own online journal and it is disguised so that no one knows it's me but.............that would be LYING! and i could be arrested for posting false info but then again, who on earth is reading this?????????????? so, thats it and if you like what i write or my style or watever, please leave a comment, so that i know that at least someone out there has read this.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
existence
Anybody that reads this...well, then you know i exist. yes, in this world out of the hundreds of billions of people. And blog is one way to say: HELLO, look one more human being gone blog, or watever you call it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)