Sigh

I believe in alot of things. I try not to. But I do anyway. It seems like I love going around in circles. Revisiting old selves. I try not to. But I do anyway. I just can't make sense of everything. Betrayal Hurts. It cuts so deep. I never knew. I trust too easy. And I have never felt so alone before. People I used to be able to confide in have disappeared. And those that I thought I could trust, were the ones who just hurt me more. I don't know which is worse. I just can't come to terms with it I suppose. I never knew that a person could be capable of such things. It makes me lose so much faith in people. the world. what little that is left. I'm scared. There must be some way I can get rid of it. I don't even know how to face it. I never knew that I had more enemies than friends. I am shocked and so so hurt. How could it happen that way? I don't understand. I have never felt so helpless before. Who knew that there were so many ways to get hurt. I hope this is the last of them. I hope.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't know. And even if I explained it all. You wouldn't understand. Not one bit. Not at all. So stop telling me you do. I just wish you would stop judging me. I feel so careful all the time. So worried about taking the wrong step. Doing the wrong thing. I am becoming cautious. I don't like that. And I hate how you make me feel as if I have to be. As if I have to account for who I am. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I have to be someone else to be worthy. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to feel as if I have to be like someone else to be worthy. I am worthy on my own. It is just a pity that you don't see that. And I am afraid that you never will and I pity you. For being so blind. For turning on your own friends. For forgetting so easily. For taking things for granted. I pity you. But then again. You don't deserve my pity. Who are you to tell me who I should be like, what I should do. WHO? nobody. So stop acting like you know everything about me. Because you don't know. You don't know anything about me and you never will.

Loss

I lost alot of things this year. I lost people. I lost places. I lost moments. And some stuff, I lost, I thought these things held me together. Apparantly not. I know that now. I also don't know what DOES hold me together. I did a deduction, I took away parts of my life that I thought would make me fall apart. It didn't. I know better now.

I thought that if I had things to do and people to please, I was fine. I had things to do. I knew what to do. It was easy. Then I learnt, you can't make everyone in this world happy. Because frankly, no one cares. So what if you try to be nice, so what if you try to be understanding. No one cares about you in the end. It's inevitable. It's the world we live in.

I don't want to do things that will only please other people. Make others happy. I want to make myself happy too. Because, who wants to make me happy at the end of the day? No one.

One Art

by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.



Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.



I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.



I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.





--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Two

Endless roads,

Changing worlds;

Our paths divide,

We separate.

Forgotten memories;

Wasted time;

Our paths cross,

You and I

From inside our worlds,

We stare.

What once was

A long, distant dream.

Hesitant words;

Halting touch;

When once we were,

Now two apart.

Separated.

- Lynn Lai -

Stolen

I was looking in the mirror the other day. It is true, I see less of myself. Less of my soul. Everything used to be so clear. Clarity. It is a fleeting thing. Sometimes, I am afraid that I am this way because I told people too many things and so parts of me got stolen and I'm never going to get them back, ever. It's a scary thing to think of, people holding pieces of you. or even more scary, people having taken pieces of you.

And I wonder. What now? I wish I never said anything. I wish I kept my distance. I wish that things were different. And the truth is, I hurt.Deepdown, believe it or not, I actually hurt. I hurt for broken dreams. For lost hope. For sad moments. For broken friendships. For what was once there but is now gone. For times that were happy that haunt when I'm sad. For people that leave without a backward glance. For loving people that don't love me back. For missing people who couldn't care less. For wanting to turn back time, yet can't. For not being able to face the future. For not getting what I want. For wanting to share my dreams and hopes and seeing it fall into a deep abyss of nothingness. For my broken heart. For people who outgrew me. For being left out. For stupid things that I can never change. For lost moments. For being broken inside. For letting someone break me. For lost best friends. For lost words. For everything that happened. For all the mistakes. For missing someone who doesn't miss me back. For not being missed. For being weird. For being me.

:(

World through my eyes

I was just thinking. As per usual. And I wonder. If anyone would just happen to chance by and just want to look at the world through my eyes, just to think if it was possible. Be so intrigued by how I perceive the world that they want to know to.

Sometimes, I think that maybe people don't like how I see the world. I just wish for one second, that I won't be afraid to always look as I do, raw and not through the eyes of others. Or not even wonder if it might be better to do so. Over these past few months. I feel like I lost a part of me. Something so intangible that I can't even place it. Sometimes, I don't know if growing up is worth all of this. I go into flashback mode more often lately. I keep searching for moments where, I'm whole. The truest version of me. I like doing nothing. Lately I have been rushing around so much to try and forget. Running away from something. myself maybe. I look into my eyes, and I see less, I see less of what's inside me. Less of my soul. It scares me. Maybe it's hiding.

I like hiding. It's a fact. Sometimes, I don't trust people. Am I really worth all the trouble? There must be a catch. But it's nice too when people notice. Notice the little things. I always thought I would be happy just being the girl in the corner. The one who just watched. The one who wanted alot of things but was afraid to hope because disappointment comes too easy. There are so many things in this world that I want but am so afraid to hope for. So afraid even, to let myself want. Because I just know I will never have. It's just not me. I don't want to be found wanting.

I used to want to tell people things. Things I thought. Things about the world through my eyes. But now, I don't want to tell anyone anything. When I see someone, I just want to shut off. Not care. And it's easy. And it can be done. I can not care. And I find myself doing it alot lately. It just means I don't have to deal.

But sometimes, I wish. Wish that someone will just say, what's the deal? What the hell's up with you lately? Because that will mean that someone actually notices. That someone actually cares. That someone actually does know me. And can tell me something about what they knew so I can start rebuilding.

Nothingness

So I am sitting here, I am staring at my computer. I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm fighting this darkness in me that won't go away. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had an exam today. No I am not ok. I am not fine.

I just want to bury myself and not come out. I just want to lie in bed all day. And just lie there, and just stare into darkness. I can see this darkness in me. I just discovered it. It's a morbid side of me. It's a part I never knew I had. It is a part that is winning. That seems to feast on all my hopes and dreams and gets bigger. Ready to conquer me. Where are all those beautiful moments that I stored, ready to fight this moment? They have all been seeped up by the darkness. I should be ok. I know that. It's so easy to want to be ok. I know that too. Tell me something that I don't know.

People tell me. It's going to be ok. And I know. But I just can't. I just can't see the light. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I try but I can't see. It's not that I don't want to. I just can't. Don't get frustrated with me. Don't judge me. I just can't seem to find it or believe it. I can't believe that I am ok until I am. It's like I have been swallowed up by this dark abyss of blackness and I can't find a way out. And I should fight my way out. But why bother? Why fight it. I give up.

Random stuff that makes absolutely no sense.

I hate not knowing stuff. There. I admit it. Sometimes I think it makes me look stupid. And I hate how my mind seems to go into overdrive 'let's guess what's happening' mode. I mean, I can deal with not knowing but to have my mind telling me reasons and obsessing... NOT COOL...

Anyways, on another note, I absolutely hate how people think I'm 'nice'. I am not nice. And FYI, being 'nice' doesn't mean U CAN'T hurt me. I mean, by all means, go ahead because u know what?? I won't BREAK... seriously...

This post is seriously unstructured.

I mean, why do I worry about what people think of me. Why do I constantly try to please and pretend that everything is all sweet when it's all inside threatening to suffocate me. One of these days, I am going to do what I want, not what others want. One of these days...

Left Behind

People grow out of people. Lately, it seems like everyone is growing out of me. I'm left behind. I'm alone. I'm left staring at their backs as they leave. I want to scream why? Why did you even bother in the first place, if you were going to leave anyways. WHY? Why leave something behind that will only haunt? Why let me trust you only to be let down and disappointed? Is that how it is with you? To let me trust you and then you disappoint me? Why does it seem like everyone's leaving? And I'm the idiot, running, chasing something that isn't even there.
why the hell should I care, when you don't? I wish I knew.

Is it that simple? That easy? Just to leave like that. Not caring. I don't know what's real anymore, or what isn't. How can something so real suddenly disappear. Like it wasn't there in the first place. That's scary. Why is it the moment that when I finally feel comfortable enough, the moment disappears. Why am I not allowed to enjoy it? Is it too much to ask? Why does it always get snatched away? And I'm left staring at this huge gaping hole that it left. I don't like holes or gaps. But lately, that's what life feels like, a huge holey space.

Why can't someone just pull me out of it? AND NOT push me back in. I don't want to keep falling down and having to get up, it hurts and it's painful.
And right now, I don't even know how I am supposed to get out of this one. I know I can, but I don't want to. Who cares anyway? If I was there or not, would it even make a difference? I don't know and somehow I doubt if anyone would miss me. That's a sad thought. But I don't know anything anymore. And I don't want to know. I don't need to know. I just don't care anymore.

Sometimes, you remember, moments that were just so fleeting and gone in a flash, and you wished that they had stayed. That was just a 'grey's' moment. Sigh. I wish I knew the answers to everything. I know they say that the truth sets you free but, I think it leaves you defenceless and vulnerable.

Coldplay - In My Place Lyrics

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me down here on my own
Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please
Come on and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

I STILL REMEMBER

I, I still remember
How you looked
That afternoon
There was only you
You said it was just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
We left our trousers by the canal
And our fingers they almost touched

You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
And our love could have soared
Over playgrounds and rooftops
Now every park bench screams your name
I kept your tie
I'd have gone wherever you wanted

And on that teacher's training day
We wrote our names on every train
Laughed at the people off to work
So monochrome and so lukewarm
And I could feel our days where becoming night
I could feel your heart beating across the grass
We should have run, I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water

I still remember

Bloc Party

My Secret Garden

So what if I see the sunshine
In the pouring rain
Some people think I'm crazy
But you say it's okay
You've seen my secret garden
Where all of my flowers grow
In my imagination
Anything goes

A poem

A poem

I see your smile
I know your mind
No words need be said
I understand.

Focused on each other
We listen and we care
Laughter ripples like water
Together, we are.

Others are here, yes,
And we value them, yes,
But a special bond remains,
A line between us two.

Each friendship is special
Each is unique
And so is ours
We know.

And then time begins to roll
and rear it’s ugly head
Change begins
Now a little less than before.

Slowly, surely,
Not knowing why
Faster, stronger, without care
Our world shifts and shimmers and splits.

Shattered shards cascade down
Spurred by angry, lashing words
Contorted faces, stone deaf ears
Outside the whirlwind,
We die inside.

The scars run deep
Jagged clefts in our souls
We have suceeded in hurting
And hurt ourselves.

So you move on
And I remain
We keep on living
Turn our faces apart.

Now I glance across
At you from outside
Shaded eyes dry with tears
New friends, new life.

Laughter, smiling (clenched teeth)
The flippant toss of the head
The enclosure surrounds you
I cannot come near.

From behind my glass window
I know more than those within
I see the hurt in your eyes
I know the pain in your smile
I have been there before - I love you
Why do you pretend?

I hate to see your pain
And I cry inside
Tears deep within my soul
I cannot help you anymore.

What we had once
We can never have again.

The scars run deep,
But I still care.

You were my friend.

Remember

---

REMEMBER

by: Christina Rossetti

EMEMBER me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

I always loved this poem and I happened to chance upon it today by accident, when I was looking at old journals. I didn't understand it back then. But, somehow, it makes sense now. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm older. Seen more. Felt more.

For every moment of happiness, I worry about the next moment of sadness, when things take a turn for the worse, and when doubts begin to creep in and although I try to keep them out, they just keep coming and I begin to wonder if the last perfect moment was just some beautiful dream and not real at all.

How do you hold on to a moment and make it last? Why do memories come back to haunt?

"One of the nice things about looking at a bear is that you know it spends 100 per cent of every minute of every day being a bear. It doesn't strive to become a better bear. It doesn't go to sleep thinking, 'I wasn't really a very good bear today'. They are just 100 per cent bear, whereas human beings feel we're not 100 per cent human, that we're always letting ourselves down. We're constantly striving towards something, to some fulfilment."

Save as Draft -Stephen Fry

Fate

Fate; I was talking to one of my friends the other day who had just recently gotten together with someone, and we talked about fate. And how it happens and how when you find the right person at the right time then it happens.

So that got me thinking about fate in general. I mean, what if it's the right person but wrong timing? Does that mean you would go around in circles until you end up together or does the fate just end there?

If you have watched multiple movies or Chinese dramas, you should be familiar with the following scene:

Girl meets guy, and you, as the audience KNOWS that they are meant for each other. Because it's obvious, but somehow, those actors seem so oblivious to your shouts of, "OMG, she's the one for you (or vice versa)" or "CAN'T you SEE?"

And what if we are like that in real life? What if because we watched all those movies and somehow, we feel experienced and mature, coming out and saying,'no, that won't happen to me" or " I won't miss it when it comes" And then spend half the time looking out for all those signs, for clues that might somehow lead to that person that you're fated to meet. And you look so hard, and you hope to find it. Always on the lookout, always being aware of everything so that you won't make a mistake of being blind.

But really. Sometimes, you look to hard that you miss what is right in front of you, and then you realise when its too late. Or maybe if you're lucky, you're just in time. And I think that it's fate's way of tricking us. I mean, think about it this way, you meet the right person but the timing is all wrong, and somehow, because of that, you are able to be taken off your guard and you can just realise it effortlessly as you go along that the person u were fated to meet was there all along and I think that makes it all the more meaningful because, this was how it was meant to be in the first place. And realising that you have fallen in love without knowing must be the most magic feeling in the world, because you didn't force it and because you didn't expect it. It just happened.

Love

There was a 64 year old man on American Idol today. He was auditioning. He petitioned to get on the show, it was a joint effort by him and his wife, who had cancer. When he talked about her, he lit up, and it was just so beautiful. But unfortunately, she died two days before the audition.

And then he sang. He sang 'You belong to me'. And this was the type of song that you slow dance to with the person that you love. Like that scene in the Notebook, when she is lucid for awhile and they dance. And it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. You could hear the love and how he remembers her as he sings. He was literally singing from his heart. He not only sang the song but he managed to convey the feelings that this song evoked in him and how much he loved his wife.

Ever wished everything was straightforward, that everything made a whole heap of sense instead of being some sort of mumble jumble that just confused you more and more until nothing made sense anymore.

Why is it that the more u think of a person, and the more they mean to you, when you try to picture them, you just CAN'T see them. It's really ironic. And why is there such a fine line between everything?

Ever felt like, in this world, no one sees you clearly, like you were invisible or something. And even if they did see... they would see something else and not the true you. And then you wonder, how many people actually, in this lifetime will EVER see who you really are. And during these times, I feel disheartened because I trust people to try to want to get to know me, to not see through me and think I am boring or anything. Then I get depressed when I don't seem to measure up when it truly matters to me. And I wish I could ask a million whys and get all the answers that I need to console myself. But then it's not worth it, because it is so much easier to supress it all, the hurt, the anger, the sadness. It really is so easy to NOT feel anything. To just ignore what feelings you do have and get on with life.

I don't know why, but I feel that feelings sabotage us, and make us vulnerable and prone to pain, it magnifies the context it is in and sometimes, makes us lose the plot.

So, really, there is no answer, but I'm gonna keep searching because I need to. To survive, to prove that there really is a reason eventhough there might not be one, because I'm just built this way.

Quotes from a really smart and eloquent friend (if you see this, I hope you don't mind, but I just love your words):

Flowers. Sherlock Holmes once said something about flowers. He said that flowers are proof of God’s existence, because He had no need to make them this beautiful; He could have just made them functional. But they’re pretty, almost like God’s flourish during Creation.

Hanging out at night. There’s something about being up when there are less people about and more silent pockets of space that makes you feel unconquerable, vital. Like you can live forever, especially when the conversations just go on and on, wandering from topic to topic carelessly and smoothly, and as you get to know your fellow wee hours people in a way that you can only achieve when the other person is most important, not your next destination or action.

My friends. Come on. I complain and I think too much and I overanalyze what we say and do and turn you guys into concepts, but I love you all very much. All friends, both old and new. Thanks for making my life what it is; I only hope that I can say I have the same honour in yours.

Thinking again

I wonder. I heard someone say that they would give up all the long letters in the world if it meant that they could have just one short note from the person that meant the most to them. If this isn't an example of quality over quantity, I don't know what is. lol... but it's true... somehow, that one word just means so much more.

So yeah, makes u think about how much importance u place on things, with intrinsic or extrinsic value. e.g. a diamond would not mean as much if it wasn't from the one u loved, heck if that person gave u a rock, it would hold more value than any diamond could. I guess the point in this is that, we try to find ways to justify how we feel all sentimental about things, or why we shouldn't throw them away. But somehow, I wonder if attaching all this feeling to inanimate objects is more of a burden. yeah, u keep it, yeah, u remember, u laugh, but what if remembering makes u sad? Is it better then, to just throw away and forget or to keep and look back.

I'm very selective about what I remember and what I don't. One way or another, I make myself forget all the sad parts, like pressing delete and that's it. It means I care less, and am more cold, less prone to grieving over lost memories. But somehow, I feel like I'm missing out on something, it feels void somehow, like all this stuff is still there but I think it isn't and it builds. I guess now, I'm just wondering when I will burst. Maybe I see it as a way to stop feeling vulnerable, so people can't manipulate my feelings, because if u can't "see" them, and I don't show it, then u'll never know. And I won't get hurt ever. But then, there are times when I feel that maybe feeling a little pain is worth it, that it's expected, that it's human and it's ok. And I'm not weak, I'm just being me.

So, I guess things do lose value, that new things come along and are 'worth' more, and all the old stuff just isn't worth hanging onto anymore. And I guess, from the object's point of view that, it must hurt. So much that it is unimaginable. I mean. imagine that u are a rock and suddenly a person thought the world of you, then the next day, u find that, really, ur not, and u become worthless, common, just like that. It's fragile, easily broken, and so so difficult to fix because how on earth do u convince the rock that it's a diamond again? denial, lies and euphemisms, masks to protect. But the truth is there, sometimes, it is so blatant that it is missed so easily and yet when u look hard for it, you can't see it. But it's there, I guess we just have to use our hearts as eyes and not what we think is there or convinve ourselves that what we want to see is what is in front of us.