Hiding

Whenever we say it's ok, when it's really not, we're hiding. Because it's so much easier to avoid than to explain. I suppose as we grow older, we get better and better at hiding. Maybe it starts at little things like where you come from or stuff that you like, simply because it's not part of the normal pattern of what everyone likes, then it grows to bigger things like secrets and insecurities and sometimes bits of who you are as a person because there are just some things that leave you feeling too vulnerable.

So really, all those problems in the world. They aren't going away. Humans just hide better. We just learn how to avoid them, hide them, store them away.

Parents, just gotta love them... really...

When are things supposed to be, what are things supposed to be. In law we were taught there is no right and there is no wrong. Things in black and white. But really, sometimes in real life, what is right is not necessarily fair and the same goes for what is wrong.

I just don't seem to get it. When I was growing up back in M'sia, my parents were so busy all the time, yeah they were there, but only when they needed to be. Suffice to say, they did just enough, just what was needed to be a parent. But emotionally, I never once confided in them, never once argued, or even bothered to, or tried to make sense of anything with them. I just did it on my own. Everything. Facing going to school knowing once again I would be the freak, the outcast, every single freaking day... where were they then? Most things in life, it was always, they don't need to know, they would just be better off not knowing. So alot of things, they remain hidden and secret. Important things to me, things that I wish I could tell them. But I don't want to. Like I said, they are better off not knowing.

Maybe I grew up too fast. Maybe they started caring too late. Maybe time just messed it all up... freaking time... damn it... grrrrrr.... but no such thing.. argh logic is messed up.....

When a guy tells you that he's not good enough for you, then he's dumping you

One of these days, I'm gonna go out there and get a life that I can call my own

I suck at pretending...

18

Wow.

Why is it that I sometimes feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by the many people that love me?

Is there something wrong with me?

I wish I knew.

It seems like I'm supposed to know where I'm supposed to go. But really, in this mumble jumble of a life, I have no idea.

I want to act my age, I don't want to be burdened with responsibility. I'm supposed to be partying like other 18year olds and going crazy over bands and hot guys... What's wrong with me?

Instead I'm scared over my results for law and what subjects I need to take in order to graduate... sigh.... This is crazy ><

wow... and it has been how many years? Really? wow.

Story of my life. It seems pretty predictable, go to uni, go to lectures, come home, study, exam, holiday then repeat.

My friend was asking me the other day what I wanted to do in life, and I was like, travelling. yeah. that's the best part of life. I wanna go out there and just experience it. Spain. I want to be on a beach in Spain. And then I confessed my dream to him, that what I wanted most in life was to be a writer, that I would go and live on some deserted island all by myself, self reliant. Just to be on that island, by myself, sleeping under the stars. That was just my idea of bliss. It would be my escape, my very own piece of paradise.

I'm such a loner. Maybe I'm meant to be a loner. All my plans have only me in them, seldom with anyone else. When I daydream, no one is in it except me. What does that mean? That I don't belong to people? Weird thing is I want to belong to someone, anyone, one of those, so and so and Lynn, be associated and whatnot... LIFE IS TRES WEIRD. And Sad.

Maybe if the multitude of human feelings were less, if we were less capable of feeling and knowing so much, life would be simpler.

One of these days....

And there are just those days that feel so surreal and lonely. And utterly scary.

I want to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and just forget. Because some things just aren't worth remembering. OK so maybe that's a little bit extreme but still. I rather not remember. There that sounds less harsh.

It's gonna be better...

Things are going to get better. They have to. I have been all asunder lately. Nothing makes sense. The more I try the harder it becomes. And it's all in me threatening to blow me up. In times like these I am glad I have a blog to keep me somewhat sane. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not out there doing the things I love. The things I want to do. I wish I had the guts to just go and do it. Just leave whatever it is behind and just go for it. But I can't. I like my plans and lists and all that they stand for. People expect so much and I'm supposed to deliver. I can't even see the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see what it is I'm supposed to be. And it used to be so clear... :(

Ambiguity

I don't like admitting things to myself. Especially things about where I have to care. Because caring means hoping and hoping means that there is a chance of disappointment. I want to be numb yet at the same time, I want to care, but am scared to. I dont want to be disappointed. I dont want to be taken for granted. I dont want to be used. I dont want to feel stupid and having no sense of control over what I feel and do. I'm freaking scared. yet at the same time, I don't want to be. I dont like this limbo that I am in.... :(

Awkward Goodbyes and Long Farewells.

So today I said the most awkward goodbye of my life. It's funny how much has changed in such a short space of time. Can't believe we couldn't even manage a handshake. It amazes me. It saddens me. I never imagined it would turn out like this. When did it all become so stilted and awkward. Can't believe we even used to be friends.

Sometimes, I wish I managed to say more than a take care. Would have been nice to have talked for awhile. It's been awhile. Maybe I will regret this later. Who knows? I just hope this is a part of me that no one ever sees, the part that stands to regret.

Maybe tomorrow, it will be better. Maybe, I will forget. I don't know. Just right now, I don't even know what to make of it. But it just astounds me that we couldn't even say goodbye properly. It's just a word. Or even a simple handshake.

Perhaps we know better or maybe even that we know too much.

Maybe Tomorrow...

hello
I've waited here for you
everlong
tonight I throw myself into
and out of the red
out of her head she sang

come down
and waste away with me
down with me
slow how
you wanted it to be
I'm over my head
out of her head she sang

and I wonder
when I sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've gotta promise not to stop when I say when
she sang

breathe out so I can breathe you in
hold you in
and now I know you've always been
out of your head
out of my head I sang

New Obsession

Seems like I have found a new obsession :P Final Fantasy X and X2, there is something about it that just appeals to my complex self. I love the plot and story line and it's just so damn complicated which just makes it all the more appealing :D

I have no idea why but for some strange reason it's just so insanely interesting... :P

It's been awhile since I have been able to just sit and not think about anything at all. It's been pretty hectic lately, crazy crazy stuff.

So I just put on some music and headed over to my blog to do some reflection. The brink of everything seems really daunting. Like I have it, I see it, I know it's possible. But there is also the possibility that I might lose it. I don't want to lose it. It's a scary feeling...

So someone said to me. The flower, it's in your hands, and it could either blossom and grow, or it could wither. And that was scary. I could kill the flower or make it grow. Something so fragile. It takes alot to make a flower grow, the water, the sunlight, the soil, the fertilizer, and it's so beautiful in the end that it's all worth it. But still, it's fragile nonetheless. I don't want to destroy it. But am I able to make it grow? I wish I knew. I want it to grow, I want to see it blossom. But if it does, it won't be of my own accord, the thing is, I'm a small, tiny bit in this whole large process, it doesn't matter to me, which part, just to be part of the process, it's overwhelming. To be able to create something so beautiful for everyone else to enjoy, to be able to do that, is just too big for me to comprehend. It means I can make a difference, no matter how small I am, even if I was a tiny ray of sunlight or a tiny drop of water, it helps.

And this is me, this is who I am. I am what I want to be. I want to make things happen, be able to make a change, no matter how small. I know how it feels, the heady sense of anticipation. But I'm biding my time. I'm waiting for the right moment.

Doesn't anybody notice? That I don't smile that much anymore.

Sigh

I believe in alot of things. I try not to. But I do anyway. It seems like I love going around in circles. Revisiting old selves. I try not to. But I do anyway. I just can't make sense of everything. Betrayal Hurts. It cuts so deep. I never knew. I trust too easy. And I have never felt so alone before. People I used to be able to confide in have disappeared. And those that I thought I could trust, were the ones who just hurt me more. I don't know which is worse. I just can't come to terms with it I suppose. I never knew that a person could be capable of such things. It makes me lose so much faith in people. the world. what little that is left. I'm scared. There must be some way I can get rid of it. I don't even know how to face it. I never knew that I had more enemies than friends. I am shocked and so so hurt. How could it happen that way? I don't understand. I have never felt so helpless before. Who knew that there were so many ways to get hurt. I hope this is the last of them. I hope.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just don't know. And even if I explained it all. You wouldn't understand. Not one bit. Not at all. So stop telling me you do. I just wish you would stop judging me. I feel so careful all the time. So worried about taking the wrong step. Doing the wrong thing. I am becoming cautious. I don't like that. And I hate how you make me feel as if I have to be. As if I have to account for who I am. As if I have nothing to offer. As if I have to be someone else to be worthy. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to feel as if I have to be like someone else to be worthy. I am worthy on my own. It is just a pity that you don't see that. And I am afraid that you never will and I pity you. For being so blind. For turning on your own friends. For forgetting so easily. For taking things for granted. I pity you. But then again. You don't deserve my pity. Who are you to tell me who I should be like, what I should do. WHO? nobody. So stop acting like you know everything about me. Because you don't know. You don't know anything about me and you never will.

Loss

I lost alot of things this year. I lost people. I lost places. I lost moments. And some stuff, I lost, I thought these things held me together. Apparantly not. I know that now. I also don't know what DOES hold me together. I did a deduction, I took away parts of my life that I thought would make me fall apart. It didn't. I know better now.

I thought that if I had things to do and people to please, I was fine. I had things to do. I knew what to do. It was easy. Then I learnt, you can't make everyone in this world happy. Because frankly, no one cares. So what if you try to be nice, so what if you try to be understanding. No one cares about you in the end. It's inevitable. It's the world we live in.

I don't want to do things that will only please other people. Make others happy. I want to make myself happy too. Because, who wants to make me happy at the end of the day? No one.