Ambiguity

I don't like admitting things to myself. Especially things about where I have to care. Because caring means hoping and hoping means that there is a chance of disappointment. I want to be numb yet at the same time, I want to care, but am scared to. I dont want to be disappointed. I dont want to be taken for granted. I dont want to be used. I dont want to feel stupid and having no sense of control over what I feel and do. I'm freaking scared. yet at the same time, I don't want to be. I dont like this limbo that I am in.... :(