Thinking again

I wonder. I heard someone say that they would give up all the long letters in the world if it meant that they could have just one short note from the person that meant the most to them. If this isn't an example of quality over quantity, I don't know what is. lol... but it's true... somehow, that one word just means so much more.

So yeah, makes u think about how much importance u place on things, with intrinsic or extrinsic value. e.g. a diamond would not mean as much if it wasn't from the one u loved, heck if that person gave u a rock, it would hold more value than any diamond could. I guess the point in this is that, we try to find ways to justify how we feel all sentimental about things, or why we shouldn't throw them away. But somehow, I wonder if attaching all this feeling to inanimate objects is more of a burden. yeah, u keep it, yeah, u remember, u laugh, but what if remembering makes u sad? Is it better then, to just throw away and forget or to keep and look back.

I'm very selective about what I remember and what I don't. One way or another, I make myself forget all the sad parts, like pressing delete and that's it. It means I care less, and am more cold, less prone to grieving over lost memories. But somehow, I feel like I'm missing out on something, it feels void somehow, like all this stuff is still there but I think it isn't and it builds. I guess now, I'm just wondering when I will burst. Maybe I see it as a way to stop feeling vulnerable, so people can't manipulate my feelings, because if u can't "see" them, and I don't show it, then u'll never know. And I won't get hurt ever. But then, there are times when I feel that maybe feeling a little pain is worth it, that it's expected, that it's human and it's ok. And I'm not weak, I'm just being me.

So, I guess things do lose value, that new things come along and are 'worth' more, and all the old stuff just isn't worth hanging onto anymore. And I guess, from the object's point of view that, it must hurt. So much that it is unimaginable. I mean. imagine that u are a rock and suddenly a person thought the world of you, then the next day, u find that, really, ur not, and u become worthless, common, just like that. It's fragile, easily broken, and so so difficult to fix because how on earth do u convince the rock that it's a diamond again? denial, lies and euphemisms, masks to protect. But the truth is there, sometimes, it is so blatant that it is missed so easily and yet when u look hard for it, you can't see it. But it's there, I guess we just have to use our hearts as eyes and not what we think is there or convinve ourselves that what we want to see is what is in front of us.

My guitar

Gosh.. it felt so familiar.. I haven't played in ages.. I just started listening to tears in heaven by Eric Clapton and I had this overwhelming urge to go and play, and play I did. And it felt so familiar. And I remembered the smell of my guitar, the strings, the sound, it was heartbreakingly familiar, to think that I had ignored it for so long. In that instant, I was back in the practice room, having my lesson as if it was yesterday. Like so long ago. I guess that's why I haven't played for so long, it reminded me of home. And everytime I played, it reminded me of home and how far away that was. Made me feel sad. Explains why I kept it hidden for so long. I just forgot about it. How could I? But it was so familiar, it fit, it was just beautiful, in that moment, I felt home.

Love is a many splendoured thing

It's inevitable, love. I'ts everywhere, it's timeless, it's beautiful, it takes your breath away. I resent that some have it, because I can't seem to figure it out. I can see people falling in love, already in love, the security, the happiness. It's innocent and beautiful and oh, so, fragile.

and I wonder if it can truly happen, for real, falling in love and just believing that everything will be ok. Because, I know the feeling of falling in love, being in love, it makes u believe, it shows that anything is possible. When you're in love, you don't think about the future, because it's uncertain, u stick with what you know, that is, that you love each other, pure and simple, no two ways about it, and well, what happens next? It doesn't matter anymore, you don't want to know if it's going to end or disappear, for now, it's here and all you can really do, is treasure it. Because at this one point in time, u have hope and belief that it's all going to be ok, maybe we need to believe in that, that everything will be fine, that it's all going to work out, we have to.

Love is so rare, why let reality spoil it? We just have to believe in it, to know that things will be ok, that no matter what happens, we will always have it. they say in movies, that they don't show it, the fights, the ugliness, but really, I feel that when a person falls in love, u just can't believe that such a thing is possible, you know it is, but hope tells u that it will be ok. love teaches hope.

Chocolate

Hmm.. bittersweet chocolate... the best ever. It makes u think. How can something be bittersweet? I was thinking about it (and eating the chocolate) and then I realised... the chocolate is sweet when u first take a bite but it leaves a bitter aftertaste, so, really, bittersweet. And that got me thinking... hmm... some things are like that aren't they? so sweet at first, then really bitter once it's gone, it's like, the chocolate is good while u have it, but once it's eaten, and gone, the bitter taste is a reminder of how good it was. It's a reminder of what you once had. That's the beautiful part, that's bittersweet chocolate.

There was another part of this post but it seems to have eluded me. oh yes, it comes back to me now, bear with me, this is unconventional as a way of posting, but who cares? *shrugs*

I was reading the bonesetter's daughter by Amy Tan yesterday night and there was a particular part in it that I never did really understand. It talks about the four manifestations of beauty. I won't tell u all about it, tht would be a spoiler, but the fourth manifestation is effortless, the highest level, the simplicity of everything, of just looking and, seeing and not making assumptions. This level was likened to falling in love. The main character says, "lately I have felt this beauty of effortlessness in all things". and the girl replies, "the effortlessness with which one falls in love." And I was always like, wat? effortlessness? love? no way, and then I was lying down in bed, about to fall into the deep abyss of sleep and then it occurred to me, falling in love is effortless, it just happens, u cannot place the time or place or moment. it just happens. And you can't stop it. And it's beautiful, because that is wat it is, u cannot create it, u cannot force it, it's just that, effortless. Because the thing is, it takes NO EFFORT at all to fall in love, u just fall, and sometimes, u don't know you're falling until you have fallen. That's the beauty of it, so carefree, and natural. so effortless.

hmmm

I always wondered why I had so many blogs... Maybe I have a split personality... Maybe they all represent parts of my personality. It's funny. I mean, why be so spread out? so.. I've decided to consolidate all my posts here. Speaking of posts, it's weird. There are good posts and bad posts, to me anyway. I can't stand the bad posts BUT I can't bear to delete them either. lol.. maybe because they are a part of me. and well, u can't delete things about yourself that u don't like... it's like lying to yourself (or plastic surgery, if it's physical.. but beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and well, all I can say is: beholder, if u dun like wat u see, look away)... hello denial. goodbye reality.

I digress.

Been watching too many cantonese dramas... getting seriously addicted... yeah, they are just shows, but when you're bored and there is nothing to do... those shows will actually save your life. not to mention your sanity. ok. I digress.. Again.

If I write anymore, I will probably start typing about how totally hot the actor is... ok. stopping now.

yet another digression.

damn, I let my mind wander too easily. ok. focusing. so, those shows sometimes make me cry, and well, it maybe 'wimpy' or whatever but at least I CARE. not like some heartless people, who are not touched by it. Those tears that fall, they are evidence that I am human, that I have feelings, that I have the capacity to feel pain and happiness. I have a heart. SO, again, an oxymoron. how can u cry and yet feel happy that u can cry? think about it. As long as u are able to feel pain and cry, is evidence that u are still alive. yes, it is painful, but the bottom line is that u are ALIVE to be able to feel that pain.

BUT,

You know, sometimes I feel that having feelings is a weakness, because, they impair your logic. But, most of all, they make you feel so transparent, vulnerable. But, the thing with feelings, they hurt you, yes. But they also make you want to reach for more. To just reach out and grab a star from the sky and hold it close and share it.

How can something be so good and at the same time, bad, as well? See.. if u didn't have feelings, u will just be like that paperclip from word. It is so logical. It can find the answers for anything. It doesn't feel. It can tell me what to do, and even, tell me what I am doing. And, after all, who wants to be an irritating know-it-all paperclip?

Ages

Time does fly... and fast too... argh... need chocolate... lol... things do change... there is no answer... life is complicated... I have a headache... I'm going to bed.

Broken Promises

Reaching for more
Falling hard
Hoping to see
in the darkness ahead

Waiting for more
needing to see
empty words
feeding empty hopes

Promises you made
thrown away
no looking back
there is no yesterday

Something

Perhaps I am the dumbest person on earth, perhaps the most self centered, the most selfish
Maybe I am like that because I want to protect myself, but then again maybe I am just finding ways to justify my behaviour. I hate myself. I suck. I am an idiot. The one time I should have trusted my heart, I let my brain make the decision. Now, I can only ask why, and agonise and wish and wish.
How can I feel so many things at once? My brain feels as if it will self explode. And my heart feels so heavy. I want to tell someone, but I can't. So everything is all bottled up inside. I feel so scared. I want things to be ok. This is a classic example of how life can be so perfect one second and then horrible the very next. I want to believe, I want to live. But I am so afraid.
I look at the sky and I wish I was up there. For that one moment in my life I forgot that the sky existed, that there were limits to reach and when I looked up, I saw it again, the sky, and it was profound, because the sky was always there, because, it was so vast and big and beautiful. I wished that I did not have to feel, that I could be happy always, that life was a fairytale. At one point, I wanted life to end, so I wouldn't have to feel. Without feelings, I would be free, and light and not hurting.
Then, I thought, no, maybe one more chance, maybe.
Now, I don't know anymore. It's like I never knew.
I want to scream and cry till all the pain is washed away, till I feel better. I don't know.
I can't think straight anymore. Feeling like I'm on the brink of everything but not falling into it. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. So, what happens now?

Hmmm, updating on life. holidays are finally and I mean, FINALLY here, not yet anyway.
But it's coming.

Can't think of much to say except that the sofas in the info commons are cool, from a tired person's perspective. ah, one of the perks of uni life, being able to hang about with friends at the sofas, computers, air conditioning, what else is needed? One more perk? doing this at home because I have no morning classes.. lol. enough said.

Now, this is funny, accounting lecturer, Mr. Grobbelaar refuses to pay the parking at the airport because he does not want to contribute to their already very high revenue. and he is the only person who can make the slides go backwards instead of forwards. too funny.

ok ok not much happening.. just gonna survive till thursday and that's it.

So.... I am sitting here, staring at my computer screen, listening to 'savin' me' by Nickelback on my trusty MP3 player. And I can't think of a single thing to say.

Remember by Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day.
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

This poem has always fascinated me. Sometimes, I wonder why things happen, and how it hurts but no one understands, I think it's because they are emotionally detached, like they can't feel what I'm feeling.

Broken Hope

May all your wishes come true,
when hopes elude you.
And loneliness surrounds you
with dreams of unknown loveliness.

When all your feelings leave you,
And dreams are but forgotten.
Whatever hope belies you,
broken into a million pieces.


You know, I always doubted it. I thought it never existed, yet it did, and it's not there anymore and will never be there anymore, and I don't know which is worse, doubting its existence or knowing that it exists and I can't have it.

I also know now that stars don't last forever, that they are there, for awhile and they are so bright and they light up your life, but it's only temporary, you might think they last forever, but they don't. But if they were not there, the sky would be so empty. And how if you were lucky enough to find someone you loved then lost them, you would feel like that, the sky without stars.

And then, you wonder, why, in the first place, were the stars there. I don't know. I will never know.

Maybe, life is meant to be like that, not knowing, but just blindly wondering. Like eating M&Ms in the dark, you never know what colour you are going to get next.

Re: Humans are not pests

They most definitely are. What's up with you besides the uni thing and the spm thing and the getting one year older thing... lol Catch ya later!

New Name

Me is really cool. But u want clarity, so, here you go.

Well, Hi There

Hey Racoon,
why close your other blog? Haven't talked to you in ages... So, how's life? Interesting? I bet it is. Heard from the uni yet?
See ya around soon. Actually, hope to hear from you SOON!
Btw, how was ur malaysian studies test?

been ignoring you.. haven't I?

Hey blog,
you know, its weird sometimes. When I read my previous posts.. they seem somewhat pathetic, like I didn't know better back then, or wasn't that 'experienced' or different, somehow more mature, now than before. I cringe at all the embarrassing stuff I did and wonder if people actually noticed me and whether they were all secretly laughing at me all along. But, I feel so much more confident and comfortable with myself right now... than I did before. I always thought I never really knew myself and thus, I did not know how to even be myself. I remember when I was like 13 and someone asked me what I liked and I couldn't answer and I felt so helpless and lost and I totally felt like crying.. because all along, I never thought that I wouldn't even know myself. I couldn't even answer that one simple question! when I should have been able to. And. now, I wonder why at that time, I wasn't able to even answer it. It then occurred to me that what I had been doing all along was try to be like someone else, to fit in, to be accepted. i guess then, I realised that I was unique and only I could be me and that I did not want to be a clone anymore. I guess that day, I found myself again. After so many years, I finally saw myself again, and that feeling of being on the outside looking in disappeared. not completely though. And now, I feel so much better. I am me and SO much more. A combination of personality and experience and lots of love and support. And I like that me so much better. And I'm really lucky. And I'm glad.